Opal Tear
2011
Poem/Song (I Wrote) What Do You Think…good bad (why)?
Permanent end
She sits within her dim place
All alone she has nothing left to say
No more tears to stains her face
She’d call for help…
If she believed in it
She’d stop the “Not So Deep”, threadlike-lines
But no one cares…
So she sees NO NEED
To discontinue this
Much needed punishment
She fears the world
Lives deep in the pass
Locked away
From prying…lying eyes
She relies on- no one
“Afraid” her fate will be
Again the same
Another passing day
Bring me closer to the permanent end
With just a simple blade…
“She knows not of hell
But the HELL she creates”.
© 2008 Opal El. All Rights Reserved.
I know it needs a bit of work…I started writing a poem but I kind of think it would do much better as a song.
In general, I thought your poem captured the darkness and solace it was aiming toward. I could see the emptiness in the character and I could see perhaps the loss of hope. I thought it was a poem that was very emotionally charged and I think people can really relate to that. I liked the metaphor about the stained tears on the characters face. I thought that really showed permanence and that this sadness …is not a temporary thing.
I really like it. I think it could be a little tighter. BY tighter, I mean…polish it up, cut some off the edges, and put a bow on top. Make the lines really carry meaning. Leave out any unused words. That will make it tighter. All in all, I thought it was good. Thanks for sharing it. I would suggest you keep practicing your art. YOu clearly have passion for it.
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