Butterfly Hairpin
2011
Is my poetry any good? What do you think is good/bad/indifferent?Worth Publishing?
The Hive
A melancholy droning
faint but persistent
sounding softly
amongst the clover
An almost funerary air
like bells in the distance
Still tolling
for the loved
and lost
They murmur gloomily
moving slowly
above the soft grass
Mourning
a honey-textured hymn
for someone they never knew to love
***
Suspicion
Like a coiled carpet-snake
It seems harmless enough
to begin,
lurking quietly
in the darkened reaches
of the mind
Then,
rasping gently
it slides
slipping smoothly,
Insidiously
over the truth
but rubs
just enough to catch the skin
ripping tiny holes
for hate to get in.
***
Rapunzel’s Leavings
Hairpin
A delicate butterfly
Toothed with silvery barbs
Lying abandoned
Once treed
Those tangled flaxen skeins
drawn to severe order
Now drowning in the dust.
Wicked
Curving thorns meant to trap
Keep and hold the unruly
Tresses blessed by Mab.
Spindles
Of brilliant dragonfire
Predatory but still soulless
Left to a lonely fate.
I can tell that you’ve spent a lot of thought on word choice. very nice.
I like Suspicion the best. I think similes in poems can weaken the imagery. If you were to tell us that Suspicion is a coiled carpet-snake, that would be a line for us to remember.
Same with ‘seems’ harmless enough, but to a lesser extent.
After Suspicion, I like The Hive. You do a good job of making me hear the bzzzz. I’d always thought of that as a cheerful sound (busy as a bee), so I like that you turned my expectations upside down. I think your 3rd stanza is the strongest, all those “ooo,” “o” and “m” sounds carry your meaning as well as the diction does.
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